What Pros Use

Some might say the ‘ball’ sports are under-represented on this blog, but who can blame us? Let’s say it together: there’s no gear.

Granted, Poo-holes (is that how you spell it?) probably has a favorite bat, and apparently Delilah is coming after Jason Terry’s knee-highs, but generally non-standardized gear is sacrificed at the alters of those unholy gods, competitive balance and fair play[1].

But let’s not forget the cleats.

Let’s give props to the folks at Nike, they managed to make two of the least likeable people on the planet seem plausibly humanoid. We see you Nike.

We know how Rafa feels. Some jerk with spikey hair clowns you for the game winning goal and you’re looking at him, hands on your knees thinking:

I work out, I go to practice, what gives? …Man those cleats are fresh.

Inevitably, the jerk with the spikey hair is wearing fancier, flashier, definitely more expensive cleats. And so begins the feets-race[2].

Okay so they’ve convinced you to replace your standard issue black cleats. Now which do you choose?! Cleats have 4 vectors, listed here in ascending order of importance:

1. Cleat pattern: Metal studs are only good for ending friendships. Buy some rainy day cleats with big studs. Besides that, if the cleat pattern actually mattered, it wouldn’t change every year when they release a new model.
2. Weight: Wearing heavier cleats than you’re used to is like doing laps at pool when the water just feels heavy.  It’s impossible to tell if you’re actually going slower, but it sure doesn’t feel right.
3. Durability: Remember your friend[3] bragging about the cleats he got for 8 bucks in the bargain bin at Ross that blew out the first day of the tournament? And then he had to borrow your old Speed TDs but they were half a size too small and he got a blood blister the size of a quarter? Which then got infected because, those cleats have been in your bag stewing with your dirty socks since 2007? Us too. A rule of thumb, $100/year of functional cleat is only 27 cents a day!
4. Sizzle: We have friends who swear by New Balance cleats because they come in the wide sizes. Comfortable, economical, practical. Please. They’re not paying us for this. Might as well look good. And who cares if sizzle cleats aren’t ‘comfortable’? Next time you score the winning goal, you don’t want the chump to think to himself “Man, those cleats sure look cozy. I wonder if his grandma knit him those socks.” Embrace the sizzle. Let them you know can’t feel your feet.

"I can't feel my face." (This is how your feet could feel in solid gold cleats)

1. Nerds [↩]
2. Get it? Feets-race? Like arms-race? Because you wear them on your feet? Nevermind. [↩]
3. Of course it was your friend, we believe you. [↩]